“I like that,” said Sally. “It leads one on and on. Who said that?”

“Isaac Pennington. How I do run on, dear! It’s old age. And I want to show you the linen cupboard.”‘

(Pilgrim’s Inn, by Elizabeth Goudge)

It is strange how much love can be held in a little structure of glass and metal. It is even stranger how easy it is to stop seeing it.

The terrarium has hung over my bookcase for months now, a shining reminder of my husband’s love. But over time it has melted into the fabric of our home, so familiar and comfortable that it’s become at times invisible. I forget it is there, until something reminds me. . . candlelight, or, like tonight, the glow of a New Mexico sunset.

It wasn’t the substance that drew my gaze, but the shadow of it. . . there on the wall, rich with the colors of the sky.

The shadow.

****

Robert is on the other side of the world right now. . . his today is my tomorrow and he is falling asleep at night as I am waking up in the morning. And while I truly have never felt any major shift in our lives, that abrupt end of the ‘honeymoon’ phase that was supposed to happen one day, I have realized in these quiet days of his absence that I have lost sight of something precious since the early months of our marriage. I’ve grown so accustomed to the beauty of life that I’ve stopped seeing it in the bright places where I once saw it so clearly.

I’m finding it again, now, in the shadows of his absence — in the scent of cedarwood and the vastness of a queen size bed. And the shadow of a glass case in the sunset, saying ‘This is the bright love you’ve been given. . . see its shadow on the wall? Feel its flutters within, growing ever stronger and more insistent?’

****

Yes, my eyes are weak, and sometimes I need the shadow to remind me of the substance. But so do we all, because we are human. And God knows this.

I was writing lesson plans this evening for the language arts class I strive to teach, and as I wrote I pondered how very many shadows God casts for us in Genesis. We’ve seen the substance so many times — Christ, dead and raised — that sometimes our eyes are blinded and we must see in a glass darkly to see at all. And so God shows us the ram caught in the brambles and the king of Salem serving wine and bread and over and over the shadows dance so that the substance may glow again in our minds.

****

The sunset has long since faded, but tonight, there is a candle glowing behind the glass walls of his love, casting shadows that remind me the substance is real.

My dear friend, Liz, was our wedding coordinator and did a really amazing job of pulling all of our ideas together and helping us stay organized and focused. On our wedding day, she made sure that we had time built into our schedule in case some things took longer than we expected, or in case we ran into technical difficulties. . . but she and all of the wonderful people who helped behind the scenes kept things running so smoothly that we didn’t end up needing all of that extra time. So, the day had a really relaxed, laid-back party feel, which was exactly what we had hoped for.

After the ceremony and family portraits, we still had a couple of hours before we had planned to make our entrance to the reception. We decided to move up the reception, but Robert and I were able to first sneak away for a walk and some time to just be alone together and try to realize that we were husband and wife.

The first thing we did when we rejoined our guests was our first-dance-as-a-married-couple, to the song ‘Lucky’ by Colbie Cailat and Jason Mraz.

(We get to kiss now and it is amazing.)

When ‘Lucky’ ended, James (friend and sound-booth runner) switched to ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ by Frank Sinatra, and my dad and I danced.

We wanted to encourage people to get on to the dance floor, so partway through the song, our family members began joining us and pairing off.

Now, just a word about the cheesecake. Our friend Wanda, from church, gave us an incredibly generous wedding gift: three beautiful, and delicious cheesecakes, in our choice of flavors. We picked pumpkin and mocha (layers of each), and those cheesecakes have now spoiled us for all others. I had a hard time eating anything that day, and Robert resorted to counting my bites of dinner to make sure I was eating enough. He didn’t need to count my bites of cake.  =P

The foxes were a gift I gave to Robert long before we were ever engaged, and when we were trying to decide on how to decorate the dessert table, they seemed like fitting cake toppers. We stacked antique books to put the cake stands on.

Our dear friend, Lynzie, and her husband, Leonard, flew out from Montana for the wedding. Leonard was gracious enough to do the honors as M. C. for us, and Lynzie agreed to be in charge of providing and setting up the communion table for the ceremony. We were so humbled by her giving us the beautiful antique Lord’s Supper plate and wine glass which had been in her family. She even found some special charms for the glass with our initials, a fox, and a nest of fox eggs.

After Leonard led us in prayer before the meal, we got in line to eat dinner. We had set up long, family-style tables for the reception, with no assigned seating. Because Robert and I didn’t have a head table, we got to just move from table to table as we wished and were able to visit with guests throughout the afternoon, which I really enjoyed. What this also meant is that the dinner line was strictly casual, and we wound up pretty far back in the line. People kept telling us that it was ok to cut, as bride and groom, but we really enjoyed meandering our way to the front and getting to visit with people along the way.

Dinner was a variety of homemade dips. Lita (my mom’s mom) made her famous chicken mole (a Mexican sauce), Robert’s mom made hummus, and I made marinara sauce and chicken tikka masala. We served these with corn chips, veggies, bread, and naan, respectively. Robert was excited about the tikka masala, but I had spent so long smelling it while making it that I was not excited about eating it. I was also, at this point, wondering whose brilliant idea it was (mine) to eat three different types of red sauce in a white dress.  =P

Although Robert was insistent that I eat something, ‘Don’t Stop Moving’ had just come on the playlist and we ran off for a quick dance before we ate.

I had promised to take a silly selfie with Maggie on our wedding day, and our photographer got proof.

We snuck away from the party at sunset with our photographer, Sarah, to take portraits of just the two of us. We had a lot of fun…basically all we had to do was kiss and snuggle, which we were only too happy to do. I’ve never enjoyed being in front of the camera, but this was actually fun.

When we got back from the portrait-taking, it was time to say goodbye.

Everyone outdid themselves in making it tough for us to just drive away in the Jeep. They turned our mirrors, tied up the windshield wipers, and — what really kind of scared us — unlatched the hardtop. They did do a good job of decorating it, though. Someone drew a fox on our window, and when we cleaned off the rest of the Jeep, we left the fox. It’s been through lots of rain, snow, and hail in the almost-year that we’ve been married, and while most of the fox is gone now, the tail is still on our window.

Robert got the Jeep into driving-order, and we ran away for two weeks in a cottage on the coast, and then a road-trip to our new home in New Mexico . . .

photos of our wedding ceremony.

shannon didn’t toss any leaves until the very end when she got up to mom’s seat, upon which she decided to empty her basket with zealous leaf-tossing.  =]

the next couple of photos always make me laugh. i wanted to get a picture of all of the married siblings kissing. my brother and his wife didn’t really want to stop.  =]

(he will want me to clarify that this is because they got a late start)

photos of the reception coming next.

]]> http://teaandfigments.com/2015/08/25/parachute-sky-part-2/feed/ 1 http://teaandfigments.com/2015/08/07/parachutesky-part1/ http://teaandfigments.com/2015/08/07/parachutesky-part1/#respond Fri, 07 Aug 2015 19:20:04 +0000 http://teaandfigments.com/?p=1765 ‘you said you had something to say

and, in a delicate cage, you gave me the sun.

four months we dreamed, the sun and i

of kisses and a parachute sky. . .’

On June 13th, 2014, my best friend gave me a ring with a sun-colored stone in it, and asked me to be his wife. Four months went by, four months that were simultaneously eternal and whirlwind. summer ripened. Robert and I did a lot of daydreaming and phone-talking and future-planning and wishing desperately for October. In the meantime, our people–our families, my church, so very many dear friends–came together to help us plan our wedding. And not only plan it, but craft it into something so special and meaningful and altogether lovely. It was so very humbling to be surrounded by so much love. We are inestimably grateful to you all.

On October 18th, 2014, I put on a white dress and married my best friend in his parents’ backyard. These are some of our photo-memories of that day, courtesy of our wonderful photographer, Sarah Marcella. She did an amazing job not only capturing our wedding day, but also making us feel comfortable in front of the camera. This was a pretty big feat, seeing that we are both used to being behind it! Even though I felt so much more present and in-the-moment on our wedding day than I expected to, my memory has quickly faded to just those things for which we have documentation. That being the case, I am even more grateful to Sarah for these lovely images that help us remember. I have tried to limit the number that I share here, but I was only able to narrow it down to 145 of the original 600.  =P  Also, I am still learning how to size photos on the new blog design, so please bear with me.

****

At the time of this photo, these rings had never been worn, except for a moment to make sure that they fit (mine with my eyes shut, since the ring was a surprise). Now, after nearly a year, the finish of the gold is growing scratched. The diamond has gotten caked with bread dough and cleaned off anew. Our fingers have wedding-ring tan lines. And I love every scratch, because every one is a sign that we are married people who are learning and growing and loving each other more each day. I am looking forward to these rings collecting more scratches in the years of adventures we have ahead of us. . .

My man. =]

Because we got married on Robert’s parents’ beautiful property, he and the guys got ready in Robert’s own room.

Shannon looks so proud of herself in this picture. =]

Robert’s sister, Becky, hosted us girls in her house while we all got ready. I loved the casual feel of our getting-ready time. We snatched turns at the mirror. My sister, Blair, and I traded makeup checks. Our friend, Abbey, and my sister-in-law, Darlene, helped me put on my earrings because my hands were shaking so badly. . .I wasn’t really nervous, just eager and perhaps amped up on a little too much caffeine combined with too little food. Our friend, Mrs. Youngs, brought us trays of food which my now-sister, Jessica, and Blair made sure that I ate (after informing me that the coffee that Becky made me in her aeropress didn’t count as food). My mom did Robert’s mom’s hair. My mom wasn’t really excited about the idea of wearing a corsage, so instead, our dear friends Cheryl and Maddie made two beautiful floral combs for our two moms to wear in their hair. (Cheryl and Maddie are also responsible for all the rest of the beautiful flowers that you will see in the rest of this post. They foraged for local greens and pretty plants, grew flowers in their garden, and sourced all sorts of beautiful and meaningful botanicals! Every element of the floral arrangements were selected with so much care, tact, and love.)

I was originally planning to make my wedding dress, thinking that there was no way that I would be able to find one that was in the right style, size, fabric, and price. My parents wisely pressed me to try my best to buy a dress, saying that they didn’t want me to spend my last four months at home holed up in my room sewing, especially since I was going to move away as soon as the wedding was over. So, I began the hunt. My requirements for the dress were that it be comfortable, as un-poofy as possible, and feel like ‘me’. I didn’t want to feel like I was wearing a costume. I was also hoping for a dress that would be modest, or easily-made modest, but still be pretty and flattering. It took some hunting, but I was able to order this simple gown from J. Crew. It was 100% silk, which made it so delightful to wear, and best of all…it felt dreamy and swishy, but not at all unnatural or costumey. It felt strange wearing so much white, but other than that, it felt very natural and ‘me.’ Another dear friend, Angela, made a couple of alterations (bringing up the shoulder straps and hemming it to the right length) to make it fit perfectly. The neckline was close to being high enough, but not quite, so Angela also brought up the neckline up ever so slightly, in a way that added to the style and design of the dress instead of making it look like we just sewed a chunk of fabric on to make it more modest. I love the way it turned out and am so thankful for the time and beautiful work that she put in making my dress perfect.

I made my headband out of a vintage necklace I found at a thrift store, and my mom made my veil. I didn’t want it to be at all poofy, so she made a drop-veil that didn’t have any gathers or pleats. Because the dress was so simple, she made the veil long, but still delicate with just the traditional de Leon tiny crochet detail all around the edge.

Once we were all ready, we went down the driveway to the bike path by the property for some photos.

Robert and I were so blessed to be surrounded by our siblings on our wedding day. His groomsmen were his sisters’ husbands and my brother; my bridesmaids were Blair and Robert’s sisters, Becky and Jessica. It was so special to have our family as our wedding party.

My littlest sister, Shannon, was the leafgirl (her basket was full of tiny leaves and Japanese maple helicopter seeds). Her sweet headband was another creation by Cheryl and Maddie.

I love this picture…all of the shoes, with Shannon trying to get the leaf off of the bottom of hers.

My mom.

My sister, Blair.

Now my family is bigger! My (Robert’s) mom.

My (Robert’s) sister, Jessica.

My (Robert’s) sister, Becky.

Blair, me, Shannon, and our mom.

The flowers turned out so beautiful, and so perfect. Purple foxtails and orange dahlias, eucalyptus…so many lovely things, and many with hidden special meanings.

Both the girls and the guys took some time aside to pray before the ceremony.

These hands now wear a wedding ring.

It is so surreal to think that when these photos were taken, my last name was different than it is now. We had never kissed. wWe were about to be married, but we weren’t yet. We had only hours to go…but they were still hours, separating us from each other, separating the old life from the new.

I will try to write the next post soon, the part in which those hours and minutes and moments ended and two of us became one of us. . .

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(our view from the bench where we shared lunch and where, a statement, a question, an answer, and a ring later, began to share a lifetime)

(some hikers offered to take our picture in exchange for taking theirs. until this point, nothing felt real to either of us. as soon as the shutter clicked, so did the realization of what had just happened.)

(after a tardy and expensive experience with sunscreen, and a delicious and sticky experience with gelato, we spent the rest of the afternoon roaming the beach together.)

(a fellow beachgoer obliged us with the picture below, at great cost to the dryness of his shoes.)

and in case the pictures didn’t say it well enough…my best friend asked me to marry him.

i said yes.

and i would say ‘the end,’ except for one thing…it is just the beginning.

i didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much, or to be this happy…but i do now.  and i am so, so thankful for the grace and love God has lavished on me through robert. this means a lot of changes, of course…including moving from california to new mexico in four short months. but God has been faithful this far and i am confident that He will continue to guide us as we start a new life as husband and wife. and embarking on a lifelong adventure with my best friend? i can’t think of anything more wonderful than that.

we bear the light of the Son of Man

so there’s nothing left to fear

so i will walk with you in the shadow lands

until the shadows disappear

because He promised not to leave us, and His promises are true

so in the face of all this chaos, i can dance with you

so let’s go dancing in the minefields

let’s go sailing in the storm

this is harder than we dreamed, but i believe

that’s what the promise is for

that’s what the promise is for.

andrew peterson.dancing in the minefields

that’s all she said then.

but i found that as i focused my camera on the fruit-laden branches, my cousins petting cats and climbing trees and getting sticky with apple juice, the glorious golden sunlight washing over it all…my heart filled with light, as well. the elderly lady who hosted us at one point said, ‘there is so much to make you smile. the fruit, the sunshine, the bees, the flowers…’

it was such a simplistic view of the world…but oh, i needed to hear it that day.

because my heart was so heavy that i had forgotten that there was an outside world. that God had showered me already with so many blessings. that the very air i breathed was a gift. that His love was and is evident in ways that i so often take for granted.

‘yesterday is gone
today i can see, oh, today i can see
my, my, my, for the very first time
i waved goodbye, bye, bye
to what used to weight me down
my, my, my, everything’s alright
the sun is shining down
i’m looking all around
and this is just so beautiful…’

jenny&tyler.this is just so beautiful

the feeling of joy and sweetness that i found that morning did not last forever. the rest of that day was difficult in many ways. the next morning was even harder. but the flavor of it stayed with me. i caught the scent of it when i passed the buckets and bags of apples in the garage, when i watched the glowing sun disappear over purple hills that evening. i found it with tears that night as i prayed and i heard it in the sound of the crickets outside my window.

God is good. always. and when i have lost sight of that goodness, i need to focus my mind and my heart on the evidences of it that He has so graciously given.

sometimes, that takes literally focusing my camera on beautiful things, simple things–a child stretching up to reach an apple,  sunlight trickling through the trees, a cat napping on a gold-bathed porch. and it takes reminding myself of my roots–my family, the outdoors, capturing moments of beauty and joy.

and as i later found out–my mom knew all that.

‘i begin to see reality
for the first time in my life
i know that i’m a shadow
but i’m dancing in Your light…’

jj heller.only love remains

‘sunlight over me no matter what I do
apples in the summer are golden sweet
every day a passing complete…’

fleet foxes.the shrine/an argument

‘when the sun
shines through the leaves of the apple-tree,
when the sun
makes shadows of the leaves of the apple-tree,
then i pass
on the grass
from one leaf to another,
from one leaf to its brother…’

a. a. milne.twinkletoes

(i took two almost identical pictures, but left a little more bokeh in one than in the other. the one above is a little sharper and more vibrant, but i like the next one better…it is not a picture of the apples so much as it is a picture of the light, and that i love.)

‘i pray light will 
leak from our pockets 
we’ll be drenched, overcome 
at night the fireflies 
streamers at our sides 
silent flaming arcs of hope…’

josh garrels.jacaranda tree

but i can’t.  if anything, i’m feeling more confused than ever.

see, life this year has been more crazy than i ever knew that it could be.  so very much has changed…in my family, in my walk, in me.  and sometimes i just feel desperate for the familiar.  i have this very strong desire for home, which is funny because i spend most of my time home anyway.  but i think what i am wanting is not just home, but Home.

we used to have three definitions for home when we were little.  home was being at our house,  home was being together as a family, and home was heaven.

i’ve had a fair bit of the first lately, and while i long for the third, i am quite content to let God control when i experience it.  but the second…i long for that.  for the security of it, for the closeness of my family, the closeness of dear friends who live too far away, the closeness of friends who live close but whom i don’t see often enough.

it’s funny, i’ve always run a bit warm, never needing a coat in the winter, never much liking hot drinks, wearing flip-flops every chance i could.  but this winter, i’ve been craving warmth.  pulling my sleeves down over my wrists.  wearing scarves just around the house.  curling up under my down comforter when i talk on the phone.  wrapping my hands around a warm mug of tea.  i don’t know if that has anything to with anything…but there does seem to be a correlation between when i feel coldest and when i feel most alone.  like i try to fill that need for closeness by wrapping up in physical warmth.

but here is the conundrum.  as much as i yearn for Home…there is another part of me that is very much ready for a new adventure.  for wide open skies and windswept clouds and roads that disappear in the distance…

the other week, driving home from church, the sky was an infinite swath of gold and silver, and the air smelled of rain and promise, and i felt this urge to just ‘miss’ my exit and drive and drive and drive…i didn’t, but oh, i wanted to.

i’ve been a sucker for discovery channel shows lately, the series on africa and india and south america.  i was realizing that we know people all over the world…we know missionaries in various parts of india, in kenya, in sudan, in venezuela, in indonesia.   if i had a spare ten thousand dollars, i think i’d pick up and visit them all.

since i don’t, though…i would settle for just a mountain trip.  camping in the woods.  long dewy hikes that end in trailmix and laughter.  campfires that send embers up to dance with the milky way…oh, yes, i would settle for that.

i’ve been addicted to this song lately.  i’m not sure i get what it means, or at least, not fully…but i find myself hitting repeat again and again.

i’ve never been much of a beach girl.  i have always enjoyed trips to the ocean, but i never quite saw what was so special about it…especially not in northern california, where you can get your feet wet but you definitely don’t swim in it.  but the last several weeks i’ve had a distinct longing for the sea.  i want to run down the beach with waves pulling at my bare feet.  i want to sit in the sun and bury my toes in warm sand.  i want to watch the waves and think of absolutely nothing except for absolutely everything.  i want to throw my arms open to the wind and let it blow all of my anxieties away.

a dear friend called it wanderlust.

i think she is right.

‘there’s a smell of adventure in the air. red roofs, green trees, blue sky, white road—i could fall in love today.’

(a. a. milne, once on a time)

and as i’m writing this, i’m thinking how funny it is because i am tired.  i feel like i’ve been running long and hard and i just want to rest.  but somehow, i can’t help but feel that the rest that i need, the security that i crave, lies in some new adventure.  perhaps i’ve just been doing the same thing for long enough that i’m tired of books and study and teaching piano and am ready for a vacation.  but i think this is something more.  like there is something just around the corner, beckoning me on.

and though i am exhausted, there is something inside that wants to throw open the door and run somewhere, anywhere.  and i have the strangest feeling that in doing so, i would be running Home…

today we went out to the coast.  i was hoping to get a chance to run in the waves and sit in the sand, but the weather decided not to cooperate.  it was cold and windy, and the sand kept whipping up from the beach into our eyes.  so we hopped back in the car and drove on a little further to a rockier bit of coast.  the sand wasn’t as nice…more pebbly than sandy, but at least it didn’t fly around as much.  and though i did take off my shoes, the beach was too hemmed in with rocks to do much running.  so instead i climbed to the top of the biggest rock i could find, up where the wind blew strongest, and i shaded my eyes and watched the ocean for as long as i dared before the tide came in.

it was not the calm and relaxing day that i had hoped for, but it was absolutely beautiful.  i had to shade my eyes from the sun, but the light washed in with the waves on the beach.  the wind was strong, but i was grounded on the rock.  it was glorious.

and i couldn’t help but think in terms of metaphor.  that perhaps God’s glory, like the sun, is too great for me to fathom, but the waves that crash, they don’t destroy, they only wash in the glory that otherwise i cannot see for its brightness.  and the wind that blows exhilarates instead of frightens me, because i am firm on the Rock that does not shift.  because He has grounded me on Himself, on His stability.

‘for this reason i bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.’

(ephesians 3:15-19)

(sandy toes…a sure sign of a good day)

perhaps i’ve extended the metaphor too far, but i couldn’t help but think that perhaps this is the key to my conundrum.  that i can rest easy in the face of so much change, because my stability lies in Him alone.  that, being grounded in Him, i can view all uncertainties with the certainty that was purchased for me on the cross.

‘Your love is wide open spaces where i can run
and yet we’re tangled up roots in the warm broken earth
Your love is sure…’

(audrey assad, ought to be)

i don’t know what God has for me in the coming year, but He does.  He holds my future in His sovereign and loving hands.  so that though i feel alone, i find my shelter in Him.  so that when the wind blows, i stand on the Rock.  so that though i am tired, i find strength in His joy.  so that when my adventure comes, i may know that He is my guide.  so that when He breaks me, i know that it will be with infinite gentleness.  so that, being secure in His love, i am free to run in His will.

i saw a big frontier in front of me and i heard somebody say ‘let’s go;
saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze
through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace
let’s follow our Leader into the Glorious Unknown
this is a Life like no other — this is The Great Adventure.’
(steven curtis chapman, the great adventure)

so, yes, i may be tired.  well…i know that i am.  and, to be honest, i am frightened of what twenty will bring.  i am weary of change, of uncertainty, of questions.  but my Savior knows.  He holds all things in His sovereign and loving hands, including my future, and i know that He will work all things for both our good and His glory.

so that i think this is the part where i throw my arms open to the wind and say:

let’s go.

‘…so hold high how faint your reasons
that wind is calling my name
 i won’t wait or i will never get on…’

(blind pilot, half moon)